This article covers:
The dynamics between a anxious and avoidant traits in a relationship
The role of the nervous system in the anxious-avoidant cycle
Healing starts here: how to begin
Many couples unknowingly fall into the anxious-avoidant dynamic because it feels familiar, even if it’s unhealthy. The way each partner relates to intimacy and connection often reflects deep-seated patterns from childhood, reinforcing their fears and beliefs about relationships.
Disclaimer
This article is for informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. While understanding attachment dynamics can provide valuable insight into relationship patterns, every individual and relationship is unique. If you are experiencing significant distress in your relationship or personal well-being, consider seeking support from a therapist who can provide personalised guidance. Additionally, while the anxious-avoidant dynamic is common, it is not the only factor influencing relationships. Healthy relationships require mutual effort, self-awareness, and personal emotional growth from both partners.
The dynamics between a anxious and avoidant traits in a relationship
Familiarity Feels Safe (Even When It’s Dysfunctional)
People are naturally drawn to what feels familiar, even when it creates distress. If someone with an anxious attachment grew up with inconsistent love and validation, they may unconsciously seek a relationship that mirrors this experience. Their nervous system associates emotional unpredictability with love, making a partner who is sometimes present and sometimes distant feel “right” on an unconscious level.
For avoidant partners, emotional suppression and withdrawal were often learned as survival strategies in childhood. If they grew up in environments where expressing emotions was discouraged or overwhelming, they may have developed a tendency to shut down or distance themselves in relationships. When an anxious partner craves closeness, it triggers the avoidant’s learned response to pull away, setting the stage for a cycle of pursuit and withdrawal.
The relationship validates each partner’s core beliefs
Both partners enter the dynamic with deep-seated beliefs about love, which the relationship reinforces.
The anxious partner often believes they must work hard to earn love. If love has always felt uncertain, they may assume their needs are “too much” or that they must prove their worthiness through excessive giving, accommodating, or emotional expression. An avoidant partner’s reluctance to engage deeply validates this belief, making the anxious partner feel they need to do even more to maintain closeness.
The avoidant partner often believes that relationships are overwhelming or require too much of them. Whether due to past experiences of enmeshment or unreliable caregivers, they may feel safer keeping emotional distance. Their anxious partner’s strong emotional responses confirm their fear that intimacy leads to being engulfed, further reinforcing their instinct to withdraw.
This mutual reinforcement of beliefs keeps both partners stuck in roles that feel familiar but ultimately leave them unfulfilled.
The self-fulfilling cycle of emotional pursuit and withdrawal
In an anxious-avoidant relationship, both partners unintentionally trigger each other’s biggest fears, leading to a frustrating push-pull dynamic:
The anxious partner craves closeness and seeks reassurance, often expressing their needs intensely to feel secure.
The avoidant partner feels pressured and overwhelmed by emotional intensity, leading them to shut down or withdraw to maintain their independence.
The anxious partner interprets this withdrawal as a sign of rejection or abandonment, which heightens their distress and causes them to chase even harder.
The avoidant partner, feeling smothered, pulls away further, reinforcing the cycle.
This loop repeats because neither partner’s core needs are truly being met. The anxious partner never feels consistently reassured, and the avoidant partner never feels truly at ease in the relationship.
Mistaking emotional highs for love
For the anxious partner, the emotional rollercoaster of being with an avoidant partner looks like brief moments of connection followed by withdrawal can feel intoxicating. Or, the vast difference in the chase and availability they presented in the wooing period versus the withdrawal during the relationship. The rarity of genuine closeness makes those moments feel even more meaningful, creating an addictive cycle of longing and reward. This mirrors the psychological principle of intermittent reinforcement, where unpredictable rewards (such as affection that comes and goes) make a person even more invested.
As a result, the anxious partner may mistake this cycle for passion, believing that the intensity of their emotions proves the depth of their love. In reality, this pattern is more about attachment anxiety and the fear of loss than about genuine intimacy.
Why avoidants feel safe with someone who overfunctions
Avoidants often feel safest in relationships where the other person takes on most of the emotional labour. Since they struggle with deep emotional engagement, an anxious partner who naturally overextends themselves to maintain the relationship allows them to stay at a comfortable distance without needing to put in equal emotional effort.
For the anxious partner, taking on this role feels natural because they equate love with effort. They may believe that if they just love their partner enough, meet all their needs, or avoid conflict, the avoidant will eventually reciprocate. However, this dynamic is inherently unbalanced, as the anxious partner is left carrying the weight of the relationship while the avoidant partner remains emotionally self-protected.
This dynamic often leads to dissatisfaction because neither person gets their emotional needs met:
The anxious partner never feels fully secure.
The avoidant partner feels smothered or pressured.
Breaking the cycle
While the anxious-avoidant dynamic can feel deeply ingrained, it is possible to shift toward a healthier, more secure relationship. The first step is recognising the pattern and understanding the effects of the current dynamics. With this understanding, a combined conscious effort can take place alongside personal growth to heal beliefs that contributed to the behaviour.
The role of the nervous system in the anxious-avoidant cycle
Beyond learned behaviours, neurobiology plays a significant role in maintaining this dynamic:
Anxious attachment and the hyperactivated nervous system
Those with anxious attachment tend to have a hyperactive amygdala, making them more sensitive to perceived threats of rejection or abandonment. Their nervous system is often in fight-or-flight mode, leading them to seek reassurance and closeness as a way to regulate distress.
Avoidant attachment and the deactivated nervous system
Avoidant individuals, on the other hand, often have a habit of emotional suppression, which can be linked to an overactive dorsolateral prefrontal cortex (responsible for emotional regulation) and an underactive ventromedial prefrontal cortex (involved in emotional connection). Their nervous system responds to intimacy with deactivation, shutting down emotions rather than engaging with them.
Why this feels addictive
The push-pull cycle activates the dopamine reward system in both partners. The anxious partner experiences a dopamine rush when the avoidant partner briefly provides closeness, reinforcing the chase. The avoidant partner, in turn, feels relief when they withdraw, reinforcing their belief that distance equals safety. This unpredictable cycle mirrors intermittent reinforcement, the same mechanism that makes gambling addictive.
Healing starts here: how to begin
While making conscious behavioural changes is important, true healing requires rewiring the nervous system to feel safe in relationships. This involves shifting deeply ingrained patterns of emotional regulation, self-perception, and connection.
For the Anxious Partner:
Develop self-soothing techniques such as mindfulness, breathwork, or somatic exercises to regulate emotions internally rather than relying on a partner for reassurance.
Challenge the belief that love must be earned through effort, overextension of yourself or self-sacrifice. Secure love is given freely and does not require constant proving.
Practice expressing needs calmly and directly, rather than through anxious pursuit or emotional intensity. Learning to communicate with confidence helps build healthier relational dynamics.
For the Avoidant Partner:
Gradually build tolerance for emotional closeness by allowing intimacy in small, manageable steps rather than withdrawing at the first sign of vulnerability.
Reframe the belief that emotional dependence is a threat. Healthy interdependence allows for both closeness and autonomy.
Increase emotional awareness by identifying and verbalising feelings, rather than suppressing or intellectualising them. This helps foster deeper connection and trust.
Recognising that secure love is consistent and emotionally safe and not just intense or passionate can help shift both partners toward a more fulfilling, stable relationship.
Many people assume they need to "fix" their partner, but real healing happens when both individuals commit to internal transformation. The anxious-avoidant cycle can be broken, but it requires a shift from seeking external validation to developing internal security which then allows for healthier, more fulfilling relationships.